Venetian Shadow

Mar 11

I was a shy child but creative. I hid behind my hair and my various methods of dress up; perhaps I do this now. Being an only child, I found it entertaining to play many roles to keep the day interesting. Always creating worlds and dreaming of fantastic places. When I was nine I studied opera lessons every Tuesday. I remember my first solo in a local church was both exhilarating and terrifying. Although we were not a religious family, I decided to take the opportunity to begin performing every weekend with my vocal coach up high on the churches balcony. I remember feeling like I was flying when I sang, but at the same time I wanted to hide. I was small so I was able to hide myself behind the railing as I sang over the crowd of people into at the time what felt like the loudest microphone.

This painting series are self portraits of my childhood. I chose to paint a vulture around my shoulders in “Pas De Mot” as a symbol for both fear and freedom, a bird we often associate with fear but a bird that soars above the trees, detached from life below. When I sang above the balcony of the church I did feel free but also terrified. I spent most my life hiding behind various metaphorical masks but my father always celebrated whatever artistic changes and steps l'd take.

“Another place where I see my ghosts and leave them all behind, where water sirens roam canals and sing their ancient melodies”

I can assure you, I didn't see your face
All I saw were the black eyes that looked deep into my soul
We were dripping and that is when he held my hair back and said "you are beautiful"
Clutching tight to those indanthrene sheets, he wrapped me in silks and satins while you crumbled away, as you should
A house with no warmth, a room with no carpet, I hide in a corner waiting to be seen
Your stones hurt my feet
Behind this mask, I was never what they wanted anyway
"Take it off" they shouted from the balconies
We laughed and judged scores that shamed the rare ones until skin turned pale without sun
There was no life there left for me
That is when we sailed away to a place where birds fly and little girls play
Can you hear the cellos play at last? Let us be frivolous for a while before we face those darker dreams
A child lost once more
Look into my eyes and feel yourself disappear
Because I am rare.

*“Pas De Mot”*

In loving memory of my father, Dennis Nolan

Earlier this year I attended a renaissance fair in upstate New York. I met an adorable one eyed vulture who was rescued from a car crash scene. The vulture was initially sent to a rehabilitation center to eventually be put back into the wild however he was half blind from the accident and his injuries made him too vulnerable to be put back into the wild. However, he ended up following around all the humans who were working in the facility. He was a friendly bird. They noticed he was happy around the workers. One of the bird specialists decided to adopt him and take him on a renaissance fair tour to bring awareness to buzzards.

I learned that vultures are actually incredibly clean animals despite what they consume. After learning about their characteristics I realized how overlooked these creatures are. They are seen as lowly birds merely because we associate them with death and that which is grotesque. However, they play a crucial role in our ecosystem. They help us keep our environment clean and protect us from spreading various diseases. Of course I was drawn to the misunderstood bird associated with death. They are often misinterpreted or overlooked but are highly intelligent animals and crucial for our environment to flourish.

This is a self portrait of myself as a child. The painting is dedicated to my father but it is also a reflection of my relationship with death over the years and what I’ve learned from such a mysterious finite part of being alive. I cared for someone for a long time and today is the anniversary of his father’s passing. The man loved birds of prey and he always spent his days in nature. He never overlooked creatures in the wild and always had an explanation for their often queer behavior. As years went on without him earth side I would always watch for hawks and other buzzards soaring above the trees and think of him. But as I watched him die I watched his son fade as well. They say a part of us dies when we lose those that we love the most.

Perhaps that was what hurt the most. All the while, I was a wall flower above both of their bodies that day, not knowing what life would look like for us once we walked out of the hospital. I felt completely helpless and shocked at the gravity of death. Watching someone die is traumatic but watching the agony in my companions eyes as his father left us was even worse. I couldn’t fix it, death felt so final and so painful and I couldn’t imagine how he’d carry on. How does one even laugh or smile after this confusing and horrific heartbreak? And somehow we survive, we carry on.

We all have moments in our lives that change us forever, within seconds sometimes and this was one of them. I became extremely afraid of death after watching the person I cared for lose half of his life so suddenly. I feared I wasn’t strong enough to go through this myself one day. I feared I lacked the skills to emphasize and I feared my sympathies would never be enough to mend his broken heart.

After losing my own father some years later, I have been able to gain a new perspective on death’s effects on a persons soul. I can finally say that learning to accept the loss of someone in your life is a skill, an inevitable experience we all go through regardless of how it affects us. We have a choice in how we carry on after the disruption of such an unbearable trauma. Death made me angry, depressed, unmotivated, lazy, pathetic, unsatisfied, negative, needy, neurotic and helpless then when I lost my father I made a decision; that I wouldn’t let the act of death kill me too.

I regret the worlds I affected when I was deep in the darkness and although some peoples roles in our lives can shift, even completely disappear; simultaneously witnessing such losses will tether your memories and traumas together as long as you live. Those we sought support from at the time, are often the only ones who truly can empathize and reflect on the weight of the experience. I can admit with sadness that few people exist in my life from that time now. Without detail, it is a sorrowful book filled with pages that only make me cry when I think of it all now.

I strongly feel for those of you who have lost someone recently. It is truly a painful journey that only time can heal.

Before my father passed away I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel the day after, the day his body would no longer be around. But there I was, living, without him, heart broken but still alive. Hours passed, days, months, even years and I slowly began to realize, I have the control in how death affects me. I can count all the moments I’ll never have with my father or I can recognize all the occurrences that have happened in my life due to his passing. We are so afraid to face death and to acknowledge any reason for it.

You will never hear me say that I am grateful for his absence but I have found a way to recognize that his death affected my life choices, my work ethic, my health, my desire to live everyday to the fullest, the way I’ve always wanted to. Death certainly changes people and after experiencing so much of it I can finally speak with gratitude; that enduring my fathers passing brought change and clarity to my life and although that change and clarity was painful and still feels unresolved at times, here I am, painting this painting for you, remembering those I’ve loved and lost and making something beautiful out of something as miserable and confusing as death itself. This painting was made to be seen on this day. I am taking the time to remember the fathers we have loved today.

Will we forgive death for taking them away.

When you see a vulture and you think of death, perhaps instead, remember that with a little time, the darkest losses can bring greater joys than you knew before, and that is the cycle of life.